The Retirement Tug-of-War: How to Deal with Others’ Expectations of Your Time in Retirement.
Retirement is often described as the “freedom years”—a time to relax, travel, explore passions, and reclaim your time. But invisible expectations of “free time” are increasingly becoming a point of contention for people on the precipice of this new chapter. According to the National Poll on Healthy Aging out of the University of Michigan, “Nearly half (49%) of those who have grandchildren under age 18 provide care for them at least once every few months…20% of those…care for one or more grandchild at least once a week, with 8% providing daily or near-daily care.” In an economic environment forcing many families to rely on retired relatives for physical or financial support, expectation setting is becoming increasingly important for the well-being of relationships.
“Now that you’re retired, you can help with…”
That phrase can be the start of some lovely invitations—and some sneaky pressures. Maybe your adult children assume you’ll provide weekly childcare. Perhaps a friend is ready to plan multiple trips, expecting you to come along. Or maybe family members begin eyeing your nest egg for support. While it is true that accepting many of these invitations can be a good thing (hanging with the grand-kids has been shown to decrease loneliness and increase longevity), allowing others’ to define how you spend your time can become an unsustainable habit.
When everyone else has plans for your retirement but you haven’t defined your own, it’s easy to default to people-pleasing, over-commitment, or quiet resentment. The phrase I use in my executive coaching practice is “if you don't own your calendar, everyone else will." Over time, always meeting the expectations of others can create tension in your relationships—and your sense of peace.
Your retirement belongs to you
To start this period off on the right foot, start with values. Before creating your schedule, get clear on what matters most to you. Try asking yourself:
What was I doing the last time I felt joy or happiness?
What relationships, experiences, or causes do I want to prioritize?
How do I want to feel at the end of each day? Week?
The answers to these questions can be your compass. With it, you can evaluate every new opportunity or request with a simple question:
“Does this align with how I want to show up in this season of life?”
Communicate Clearly and Kindly
Once you’re clear and grounded in your values, it’s easier to set—and communicate—healthy boundaries. Try phrases like:
“I’m excited to spend more time with the grand-kids, but I’m not able to do regular weekly care. Let’s plan a monthly adventure day instead!”
“We won’t be able to help out in the way we used to, but we’re happy to brainstorm other solutions with you.”
“I’m protecting some creative time each week, so I’m not available during the day like I used to be—but let’s find a regular time to catch up.”
These boundaries aren’t rejections. They’re reflections of your values, shared with love and respect. Your clarity allows others to plan accordingly and find ways to get everyone’s needs met from the outset.
Retirement Isn’t Just About Freedom—It’s About Alignment
The beauty of retirement isn’t just that you’re no longer working 40+ hours a week. It’s that you have a rare opportunity to design a life that reflects who you are now and who you want to become.
By starting with your own values and communicating those in a way that others’ understand and respect, you protect the space to live a deeply fulfilling, value-aligned life.
Your time is yours. Spend it on purpose.
