Together Time Tension: Navigating Retirement as a Couple
In a recent session with a couple, I had the wife tell me, “I married him for life, not for lunch.” Her point was that when her husband retired, he needed to find something to do during the day. Too much together time after decades of spending time apart was not good for them, at least all at once.
Retirement often brings relief, excitement, and the long-awaited chance to reclaim your time. But for many couples or households, it also brings an unexpected guest: tension.
When one or both partner(s) transition from working 40+ hours a week outside the home to suddenly being home all the time, it can stir up all kinds of emotions and disruptions—for everyone involved.
At first glance, being together more sounds like a gift. But what’s often overlooked is that both partners have spent years—maybe decades—developing their own daily rhythms. Each person has built a routine, either at home or outside of it. And when those patterns suddenly change or collide, even small things (like who makes lunch or controls the thermostat) can become battlegrounds. Some common challenges couples face through this transition are:
Space & Autonomy: One person may feel crowded in what used to be their “domain” during the day.
Control & Decision-Making: Routines shift, and so do unspoken power dynamics—especially around household roles.
Communication Gaps: What used to be an easy “How was your day?” now requires deeper, more intentional conversation.
Identity Loss: If even one partner feels adrift without their work role, the identity struggles can spill over to the relationship.
There are plenty of ways to address these challenges. Here are a some of the primary tips I suggest to my clients.
Name the Shift: Acknowledge the elephant in the room—this is a major change. Naming it helps both parties depersonalize the friction and get invested in creating a new plan that works for everyone.
Set Boundaries (Lovingly): Create separate time and space for individual pursuits during the day. It's okay to want alone time. And while you’re at it, set some boundaries outside your home as well. Check out this post about relationship pressures.
Talk About Roles: Don’t assume what will stay the same and what will change. Re-negotiate chores, routines, and expectations.
Find New Shared Interests: Retirement is an invitation to reconnect in new ways. The sudden increase in time is an opportunity to pursue individual interests AND shared passions. Plan a trip, take a cooking class to make some of the household responsibilities a little more fun, or set aside time to take walks together. Making time to do things together is an important way to stay connected as you make the transition together.
Seek Help Early: Whether through a retirement coach, couples counselor, or support group, getting help early can help prevent much of the friction this time often creates. Our Retire Artfully couples program is specifically designed to help couples through this transition. Learn more about that program here.
Major transitions can pull couples apart or open space for a new kind of closeness. The key is not to strive for a perfect “fit,” but for a shared rhythm that honors each person’s needs.
